Call it a challenge, call it conservation, call it me saving the planet single handedly, or maybe call it subterfuge.
Honestly I am calling it ignorance.
I have access to multiple device that will connect me to a GPS system, which would have told me that from the corner of 23rd st and 1st AVE to home is 6.5miles.
The good news is that I made it back to The Slope under Air Assault pace 1 hour and thirty four minutes.
The bad news is that now I have a huge blister on my left foot, Right in the middle. The blister is not the point really of this story only a flavoring. A touch of saffron and Maybe a pinch of fresh ginger… together.
A subtle reminder, I am constantly at odds with myself.
Here is what is the drive here (and I only ask that the blister be remembered for later. The night before, late like 1am, I hit the Internet and sent my resume and a nicely plagiarized cover letter to fifty or so Production Assistant listings on Craig’s list.
I said:
Dear production,
I am sending you my resume to be considered for your open film crew position. I believe I can be an asset to the production. I pride myself on working well within a team and communicating well with diverse groups. As you can see from my resume I prize the written word and have been trained in theatre production, but am limited in film experience and would like to change this. I also welcome the opportunity to broaden my experience with film production in anyway possible. I have limited work both in film and television. With (Redacted film company here) I assisted in post production duties and was a production assistant on the (Redacted TV show here) managing audience participation. I welcome the chance to provide you with additional information to supplement what appears on my enclosed resume. Thank you!
Ok I did not necessarily steal the words used in the letter. I did though seek inspiration from the internet.
Sometimes A recipe is needed to begin dinner right?
I got two responses the next day.
The first was an e-mail which gave me a link to a You Tube video.
It asked:
Please go to www.redeactedwebsite.com & view parts of our show from Season 1. Please let us know in what way you envision contributing to the enhancements planned for Season 2. *What did you think about the film work & editing from Season 1? How much do you believe we should have paid for Season 1's work on a show by show basis? Also, if you have not - please give us an idea of your pricing & please let us know an approximate turnaround time from filming to finished product (editing) for our half hour show. Regards!
What the fuck do I know. And God what a great idea to get views up for a stupid YouTube video.
Promise a job in film and everyone and their freaking mother will take a look at it.
So I bit. I sunk my teeth into this bait and responded to each question asked:
1)What did you think about the film work & editing from Season 1? I initially wrote: it fucking sucked and hated wasting the three seconds I spent watching it.
But the wife made me delete it.
So I tried again and wrote:
I watched a bit from the link provided and thought the editing was choppy, jarring, perhaps, maybe good for a music video, I wasn't in to watching much, it did not capture my attention, nor did I want to follow the action further. I did like the yellow tie though someone on the production has great taste. The dude acting was kinda able also. Did you guys have a script? Cinematography looked oldish, def non digital, (I could feel the look I was getting from my wife at this point so I finished with), which is not bad all on its own, I guess.
2) How much do you believe we should have paid for Season 1's work on a show by show basis? My production experience is very limited, but have always fantasied about the pirate style where the cost is so nominal, I would gather you managed this here, congrats.
3) Also, if you have not - please give us an idea of your pricing $0.00! I want to work for the experience, maybe on the backend a fee could be arranged.
4) please let us know an approximate turnaround time from filming to finished product (editing) for our half hour show. I would think you could film a half hour program with lots of preproduction (Writing, scouting, rehearsing) in a week. Preproduction on the other hand is your time sink but doesn't cost anything really. Plan well in advance of actually shooting and editing would be a breeze.
It all made sense to me.
I got no response from them.
It is no wonder why, not because of my honesty actually either, because while working on this e-mail, which I never sent, I was applying for another job and plugged in another cover letter and attached a bunch of documents and accidentally sent it to them with none of the above answered questions included.
But whatever, respect to whoever came up with the idea for the YouTube hits.
My second response from my late night cover letter and resume bombing run was more promising.
I got a call, like a real call, my Doctor Who ring tone starts, was like whoa, i spent a $1.29 on that hadnt actually heard it used for realz yet.
The call was for a real movie being filmed in Manhattan starring real actors I have actually enjoyed seeing on screen, or DVD or TV.
I thought I was having a stroke or had had a stroke and for the rest of my life I would be living in a fantasy world in which I would get everything I always wanted.
The guy said his name.
I forgot it immediately.
He said the name of the movie.
I repeated it in a mocking tone.
He said he needed someone to come on the production ready to work. To work hard. To work fast. And to be ready for anything.
I said, “You found him."
He asked if I would be interested in coming in for an interview.
I said, “Yes,” willing to leave right then.
Thankfully he quickly added, “How about tomorrow at 2.”
“Sounds good,” but thought fuck yeah!
I quickly wrote down the address as he gave it to me on a piece of paper.
I grabbed anything white and started to jot down information. Usually I when I do this type of note taking the paper used is gone forever, never to be seen again.
For the next 12 hours for some reason I thought the interview was in the AM after 9 sometime. I am good this way.
I am good at messing the little stuff up, ok actually I’m really good at messing the big stuff up also.
I found the paper somehow ended up on top of my laptop. I can’t take credit. I remember putting it in the kitchen near the sink. My sabotage is usual complete and utter. This small scrap was meant to get soaked with dish water and be unreadable.
Thankful I married the woman I married.
Then I went to the V.A. and came home at Air Assault pace 12 miles in 3 hours and suffered that wonderful blister on my left foot.
Pungy sticks and landmines have nothing on me.
I arrived in the Village on time.
I limped into the right building.
I limped onto the elevator.
I limped up to the receptionist who looked at me as if she was wondering how trash from the street could have blown itself up 7 floors to stand in front of her desk. She asked, “Yes?” and sneered the I’m pretty and you can go fuck yourself smile. I thought fuck ya some good old fashion C.S. and said, “I have an interview for a production assistant position.”
“With who?” Her voice dug into me it was shrill and self-important and I hated her guts to the point of wondering if my hate could give her cancer.
I smiled and looked down at her desk and watched my finger draw an imaginary line, “I don’t know.”
I thought, fuck, now im fucked, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I looked around the office, and wondered if the person I would be interviewing with could heard this interaction.
The office was huge and open and non-bustling and had red brick walls. Glass topped cubicles.
No one even seemed to care I was standing at this desk.
The desk had a bowl of candy on it.
My breath tasted like smoke.
I felt like I had already lost.
“Which production?” she said and the edge was gone but a mocking was there to replace it.
I told her, but I aint going to tell you.
She said, “Have a seat.” And I swear if she could have she would have added bitch.
I sat and listened and played with my phone.
I heard things like.
Josh and sign off, and start, and need, and work.
Then a Chinese man walked in with a big bag of food and I was reminded I was hungry. Two women walked over to collect the food. They offered candy to the deliver guy who turned it down. They stood there for a few minutes. I watched them not watch me. I watched their eyes not even drift in my direction. As if everyday someone wearing a blue collared polo shirt with brown slightly graying hair, goatee and glasses sat in this very seat.
They thanked the delivery guy.
He left.
I kept watching.
A sandy blonde man walked toward me.
He smiled.
I stood.
He extended his hand, “Josh,” I took it and looked him in the eyes. Or at least think I did. I wanted to. It would have been nice if I had. Lets assume this happened.
I said yes as if he had asked.
I forgot every freaking parent that gave birth to a child in the seventies has named their baby boys Josh.
“Let’s go in here. “
I followed without argument but wondered if it would have deemed funny if I had.
I followed trying not to limp, but limped anyway.
Two hours later I got a call.
“Hey Friday we are putting you on the call sheet you are going to be our everyday guy. We will send it to you tomorrow.”
Limp and all.
Guess I will need to figure out another way to self sabotage.
No comments:
Post a Comment